2000-11-25 - 2:23

The end of something

So I guess that whatever Jian and I had going on is over. What a letdown.

Here is someone who wanted to meet me, she was excited when we did meet, she got to know me for a while, things seemed to be going well, and then she decided that she thought of me as a friend. Yeah . . . rejection.

It's not as if I was putting so many expectations on this relationship yet. I wasn't in love. But I still was happy to be with her, and I still hoped that things would progress, and I still hate the thought of not holding her again, and I still don't know why I won't.

I'm not sure what my take is on all of this. It's very fresh as I'm writing this entry. (As in, we just finished talking.) A part of me wishes that I would have just been Mekanikal when the option was there; but that's not really me. Or it wasn't how I saw this situation. I dunno. I'm conflicted about that.

I suppose that it isn't a total surprise. The fact that she hasn't really been able to make any time for me in ages should have been a tip-off, I guess. It still feels kind of strange, though. I was surprised that she was after me in the first place and I wasn't sure why; so it's fitting that now that she has decided that she doesn't want to be with me, I also don't know why.

I'm glad that Jian came along, though. It was nice to think that somebody wanted to be with me. That's an uncommon happiness; and I'm thankful for that.

I also think that she's a very sweet person, which is why I'm disappointed; but it's also why I like to think that we'll still be friends.

If this is how she feels, I can respect that fact; and it's good that we got it straight now. We'll work on it from here; and hopefully we'll still get along.

So, that's it for now. It's a disappointment; but it's not going to have me reeling and reaching for the Nick Cave and Black Sabbath tomorrow. It's just the end . . . of something.

J.