2000-11-26 - 2:39

Don't let me break your heart

It was kind of a weird, intense day. After posting last night's entry, I read another chunk of High Fidelity before bed. (Yes, Liam, it took me two years to get around to reading that novel; but you were right: it's excellent.) I woke up a few hours later and couldn't manage to force myself back to sleep; so I tossed and turned in bed and made myself unhappy with everything that I was thinking.

I decided that if Jian and I are really going to be friends, as we said we are, we should go ahead and be friends. So, I decided to follow our original plan to get together tonight for supper and to see Requiem For a Dream before it closed.

Supper was cool: back to the Korea Garden, this time with one of Jian's friends (he seemed like a pretty cool guy). I felt weird a couple of times and I felt really flustered over nothing once; but it went reasonably smoothly, overall.

The movie can only be described as intense. That was such a hard, heavy experience; and it probably hit me harder because I was in an emotionally receptive mood. Ultimately, I found the movie so intense that reaching the ending was a relief; which I mean totally a compliment, because the movie was striving for a strong impact. Requiem was impressively disturbing.

After that, Jian and I went to her place. Again, it felt a little odd and sad. I think that I stretched my exit out way longer than I should have; but I didn't know what to say and I thought that I wanted to say something and . . . yeah. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle these things. It's an odd situation.

How do you change your thought process when your feelings are the same as ever? As I told Jian, I woke up yesterday thinking that she's great and liking the idea of us being together. Today, I woke up thinking that she's great and still thinking how much I'd like to be with her. I don't know yet how to incorporate the fact that in between those mornings, she told me that she didn't want me like that.

I dunno. I'll work on it. One night in the first week after I met Jian, she told me, "Don't let me break your heart." And I guess that I didn't. But I didn't get out without a scratch, either.

To not dwell on the negative too much, I'll say that I really did enjoy getting together tonight; despite some of my feelings. Jian is cool; and I really believe that we'll be friends. Just bear with me through a little disappointment and confusion, okay?

At least I have a failed relationship to spice up a boring little journal.

J.