2000-05-06 - 15:51:38

Solipsist

Nikolai arrived last night. Aaron, true to form, managed to be away for the moving in process. (He's almost as bad as the Chooch. When Nick and I were moving into the Creighton Street place, Jason came down and got in his truck. "Okay, he's pulling ahead to give us a better parking spot for moving in," I thought. Nope. "See ya!" Heheh.)

Aaron came back with Frank and Sophie and everybody hung out here last night. Nick eventually got all his shit set up. We now have another cool stereo (very cool, actually) and computer in the place. I'll have to look through the music collection, too; Nick's usually good for finding some interesting bands that I would've never heard of otherwise.

Right now, the boys took off. I didn't really feel like heading out with them. I definitely appreciate having some solitude from time to time. I think that's why I've always enjoyed being outside late at night when the people have gone and why I liked working at the airport at 3:00 AM.

I've just started reading Solipsist. Very powerful. I think that I might call the book one of Hank's best, although I was also very fond of the See a Grown Man Cry/Now Watch Him Die pair. So much of Solipsist deals with loneliness and failed relationships. I'm trying to decide if it would have been better for me to read it a few months ago, when I was at my most wrecked, or now, when I am much better about things.

I am disturbed and unwilling to summon the courage to overcome the demons that perversely allowed me a glimpse of true love, only to rip it from my grasp.

and

I have tried to love and all it did was destabilize me. I felt swindled. Like I had gone to the amusement park and went on one of the stupid rides and was mad when I was asked to get off. What was I thinking?

Maybe isolating lines like that doesn't represent the full extent of the book; but they are part of what caught me in the writing. Ultimately, I think that it's best that I'm only reading Solipsist now, with my current perspective. For January and February, I had others to get me through. Nick Cave, Black Sabbath, Rollins Band. The usual strength. As Henry writes, "I allow myself a true love, a love that is invincible--I love music." Sabbath will always carry you through.

J.