2000-07-18 - 01:48

End is end

Warning: Long, half-depressed, personal, philosophical rambling ahead

As a continuation of the thoughts in my last post, I wrote to Kimmy for the first time in ages. She wrote back and it sounds like she is doing well. That's cool.

I catch myself in my own lies when I try to pretend that everything doesn't still get me down. Sure, on one level, I understand and accept how it happened with us; and there's certainly no reason for her not to be seeing someone else. On the other hand, after hearing from her, there I am listening to the same fucking Nick Cave CD.

At least I consider it a good thing that I catch most of my own bullshit; but then I'm not sure if that's true. I don't think that I tell myself the same lies that I see other people tell themselves; but that belief doesn't mean that I'm not pulling my version of the same act.

In any event, I'm doing what I think is best by trying to stay close to one of the best friends I've ever had. It just hurts to remind myself what I lost.

On the philosophical front, I've been digging through the same ideas that Liam and I discussed in March concerning what their is to do with life. (Not that we haven't gone through the same ideas other times--that was the most recent and applicable version.) As I see it, if you decide to commit to a relationship and see it through a marriage and family, you've defined a purpose for yourself. Once you have the kids, you establish responsibilities and rewards for the next few decades of your life.

If you don't go down that path, what is there? There are the people who become totally ambitious at work and are driven to achieve success, as measured on somebody's scale. That's a purpose; but it's one that I could never get behind. The guy who wants the biggest house on the block with the correct car in the driveway and the trophy wife . . . that will always be bullshit to me.

Having a cool job is a definite goal; and money is certainly a means to an end. If not, why would I have moved to Ottawa, right? I'm certainly not defined by my job, though. I like the fact that I don't wake up in the morning dreading the thought of going to work. I enjoy what I do.

At the same time, though, apart from Greg, there's nobody at work who could tell you anything insightful about me as a human being. They could say I'm an all right guy or a good worker or that I'm good for a laugh (hopefully, they might say those things); but nobody there really knows me. It's not a source for life fulfillment.

So what is? Unfortunately, that's where I run out of steam. As Liam and I ended our conversation in March: we agree that there should be more to life; but it's hard to know what to do. As an atheist, I see no point to the whole thing other than to enjoy the ride and treat people well.

For me, ideally, part of enjoying the ride is that I should be pushing myself on to something better. I think that a lot of the reason that I get down is that I recognize a failure not just in living up to my own ideals, but in even challenging them. I feel that my greatest failing is passivity. What have I done to push myself to greatness?

Getting through school, getting the job here, establishing myself on my own: those were all a part of a personal growth. But none of that required truly challenging myself. As I see it, I've only done what has come easy in life. I've put in the work when I had to; but I've never forced myself to overcome great adversity.

The best example I know of when I pushed myself and took a risk was when I initiated everything with Kim. For that reason, despite the pain that I felt when the relationship ended, I can view it as a true personal success.

I think that I've just clarified the vague feeling of dissatisfaction that I've had lately, especially at work. Once again, when I analyze my depression, it reduces to one of its three usual causes: in this case, a general concern that my life philosophy is lacking. I need to build the desire to reshape my philosophy and take myself to something greater.

Several years after recognizing and articulating a lack of a life goal, I don't know if I'm any closer to figuring out what it is that I want.

J.