2001-01-17 - 1:59
Reconsider
I had a fun time today, mainly because I finally got to see Jian again. I felt a lot better than I did the last time that we hooked up, when everything was awkward and confused. Everything is cool again. And yeah, I'm still very much into her. We'll see.
Aaron, Nick, Jian, and I went out to see a movie and we got a little something to eat afterwards. Of course, I focused my attention on Jian (hey, I even got to deliver my slightly late birthday gift, or really late Christmas gift, or whatever that was); but it was also fun hanging out with the roomies.
We've been doing a fair bit together these days: going out for supper (yummy Indian food), playing some fun rounds of UT, that kind of thing.
It's weird. Lately, I keep alternating between the competing ideas of sociability and solitude. On the one hand, it's really fun hanging out with the rest of the crew. But I've also been going through these times when I think that I'd like to just withdraw and move into my own place and fast from human contact. It's not that I'm in a bad situation or that I'm not happy here; I've just been thinking recently about being solitary. I don't know why.
With relationships, it's the same competing thoughts. Often, I just don't see myself as belonging in a relationship, which is probably part of the reason that there have been so few. I certainly have no desire to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I listened to an old Rollins Band album today for the first time in ages; and the line "some people are better left alone" stuck with me.
When it comes down to the specific situation, though, the solitary defiance breaks down. I know that what I wanted to hear tonight was what ultimately was said: maybe we should reconsider.
I was asked what I wanted in that area, from life in general and from the specific situation. In general, I could answer that I really want nothing. I'm not on the prowl or anything. For the specific situation, though, I was less certain what to say. I'd be happy if things worked out; but I'm not putting pressure or expectations on it. I'm sure that she knows that I like her; and we can take it from there.
And, as for solitude, maybe I should reconsider.
J.