2000-09-30 - 1:13

Ahead by a century

Well, here is entry one hundred of Human, All Too Human. I think that this journal has been living up to what I wanted from it. I didn't know exactly what I had in mind from the start; but I had a few ideas.

The first was simply to keep a record of my days. That has been working out well. I get the big events and the things that didn't seem so important at the time. For instance, I have my New York trip to see Einst�rzende Neubauten recorded from its initial I-don't-know-if-I'll-pull-this-one-off stage to the post-concert wrap-up. More than that, though, I'm sure that if I read through my older entries, I'd encounter a huge number of references to the band, all written before I knew that I'd ever get the chance to see them. Even the little thoughts and stories in the days help to paint the picture.

One thing that has changed a lot through one hundred entries is my attitude towards an audience. At first, I told nobody about this journal, although I did make it public. I kept working at it under the assumption that nobody else would be reading it, until Sarah wrote me an e-mail wishing me a happy birthday.

That felt very weird at first; but I liked it, especially after I read her journal and found out that she was such a cool person. A little while after that, I started letting a few friends know about this page, although I wasn't really pushing it. Today, I'm quite happy if anyone wants to check it out.

Accepting an audience has impacted the journal slightly. I can think of some recent happenings that I would have chronicled differently if I thought that I was the only reader. Also, I don't want to write anything in here that would be out of line towards someone I know; but I don't think that I would really cross that line, anyway.

Really, though, I haven't held back a lot. If something I write here is unfair to someone, what can I say? I can only write from my perspective and that cannot be impartial. I am detailing my thoughts and feelings, and I don't twist them around to suit my (meagre) audience.

One of my other original motives for this journal, besides simply relating my daily life, was to be able to see where my mind was at. I think that Human has lived up to that goal, as well. I know that I missed the emotionally down times from the start of this year, because I started the journal a bit too late; but that's okay.

Hopefully, the upswing in my mood has been evident on here. Life has definitely gotten better for me since April, as more friends have shown up in this town; and I've a lot of fun times. I often note on here that "life is good"; and, when I say that, it's really what I'm feeling.

I think that it boils down to a concept that I've kept coming back to in my life. Essentially, I'll find an environment and a situation that I'm comfortable in and I'll be totally content. Then, time pushes change and I have to adjust to something new. Although I'm uncertain at the time, I've always felt that I've ended up better because of the change.

I know that the years that took me through university left me very happy with how I had changed. It's not that I was unhappy with myself before; but that I had grown in a positive way.

That is how it has been with change. I can't say that I have always been happier as my life has changed. Happiness is too dependent on the external for that to be the case. Internally, though, I feel that every stage in my life has left me a better person. I still have so far to go to reach close to my own ideals; but time has allowed me to move in that direction.

J.