2001-02-11 - 1:39

Self-deception

Do you ever try to connect with someone and then something comes along that makes you know that they will never really understand you the way that you thought they did?

The stupid part is finding myself getting upset with that person for . . . what? They aren't there to understand me. They haven't dropped the mission. What it ends up being is that I'm upset with myself for building up self-delusions. Why should I expect someone to realize that something that wouldn't mean anything to most of the world is important to me? It's not the case that nobody would understand; but why in my mind would I expect a particular someone to understand, based on no evidence.

Because I wanted it to be that way. Because I wanted to think that after however much time, there was an unrealisticly complete understanding.

Self-deception. It's not as if the realization that we were missing something invalidates the rest of our connection. It doesn't mean that I regret past time.

Really, it's a fairly minor part of the puzzle, which still leaves a relationship that I value a lot. The real hit was that it broke self-delusions that I didn't consciously realize that I had.

It's best to catch your lies when you can, though, even if it does leave you mad at yourself.

J.