2001-03-13 - 4:45

When I call

So, I'm working again; but it's kind of a weird start since I'm working from home. I'm just doing some reading for background research now. And obviously, I'm still keeping silly hours.

I had actually planned on packing it in a little earlier tonight; but (surprise!) Jian came over to visit.

Sometimes I think that I've dug myself into a hole with this journal, because I know that certain people read it. It's lost some of its purpose, because I need to censor myself more. Not that I ever planned on using it to rip into anybody; but it's still awkward sometimes.

Okay, here it is. It fucks me up to be around Jian, because I still regret that things didn't work out with us. I'm happy that we still get along, and I am glad when I get to see her, but . . .

I dunno. I could deal better with being solitary if I didn't have the reminder of the one time in the past year that I let myself get my hopes up for something. For someone.

Nobody will catch this reference, but as I was obliquely mentioning, the purpose of the journal was to write things for myself, and to explain what I'm feeling at a given moment. And at this moment, what I feel is the Rowland S. Howard song "Undone." Actually, I could stand to give the whole Teenage Snuff Film album a listen; but that song is me at this instant.

As usual for these types of entries, I have no conclusion. I don't mean to say that it was a bad thing to see Jian again. It wasn't. It just fucked me up. And now I can sleep on that.

J.